A Mother's Journey

Where do I begin. With the numerous deployments you would think that I would be used to this by now. Guess what? I'm not used to it. As a matter of fact I think I am more of a wreck this time than any of the previous deployments. But today, I am not feeling anything. I am not happy, I am not sad, I am not worried, I am not anything. I just feel empty inside. Someone said its the perpetual roller coaster of ups and downs, uncomfortably numbed by all the chaos. Maybe that's it, I don't know.

I don't want to play "war" anymore. I want my son home. I want all of our troops home. It makes me physically ill when I hear of one of our troops dying in those hell holes that they are in. I support my son and all our troops and I stand behind them 100 percent. But when is this going to end? How many more of our brave warriors have to die or come home broken?

I am so tired. Sleep is not something that comes easily. When it does come the nightmares come along with it. The nightmares of the knock on the door or the phone call in the middle of the night saying something has happened to my son. My son tells me not to worry and says that he will be fine but that is not something that is easily done. I keep telling him that it's a mothers job to worry and I must say that I am good at my job.

I have not heard from my son in over a week. I know that no news is good news but I still worry. Then he told me that the internet will be going down shortly at the FOB so I have no idea how long it will be before I hear from him. Due to OPSEC I can't say what's going on but I do so miss that contact with my son. I spend so much time on the facebook looking for the incredible green dot. My phone is always at my side just in case he calls. I check Skype to see if he is online. I actually go into panic mode if I have to be away from the computer for more than a few minutes. I stepped away from the computer for a few minutes the other day to take care of the dogs and I missed him. He left me a message but the time I got back he was gone and I was heart broken.

I don't remember the last time I watched a movie and actually seen it. My mind wonders to my Soldier and I wonder what he is doing and if he is safe. I don't just have my son in the sandbox but also his girlfriend who I consider my daughter so I have double the worry. I get to chat with her more often than my son because she is a medic and is on the FOB but my son goes out on missions and doesn't get to the computer that often. So yes missing a chance to chat with him is heart breaking.

I know that I am not alone in this journey. There are lots of moms going through the same thing. I have a lot of Army mom friends. We are all at different stages of this Army thing but we are there for one another. When one hurts we all hurt.